Update on DS

We finally had DS's follow-up dr. appointment to the MRI he had last Sat. for his back. We still don't know exactly how he hurt it (and he continues to be furious with me for pressing him about it). Dr. Lin showed us the MRI and it appears DS has a very small bulge on the left side of the disk at L5 (S1). It's not currently impinging on any nerves, there is plenty of space on either side for the nerves. So we're back to PT at least once a week. Dr. Lin says the PT should help to strengthen DS's back muscles and also can shove the disk back in place. I feel sad that at 15 DS already is having to deal with back problems. But I am very, very thankful it's nothing worse!

I feel there are could be a lot of contributing factors to his injury, not the the least of which is the 1500 lb. back pack DS drags to and from school daily. The school district in its vast and infinite wisdom has decreed the rolling backpacks illegal.

The real challenge is achieving consistency in having him practice the PT exercises whether he's at his dad's house or at my house. His dad and I share custody of him 50-50, which creates many, many issues, not the least of which are the logistical ones of his homework or half of his concert attire being at the other parent's home which we only realize 15 munutes before it's time to head off to school (35 miles away) for his concert. Or me suddenly getting a call 2 hrs before the dr. appt. telling me the dr. office needs the MRI films, which I have. But it's not my day to have the car.... and there's no time for DS's dad to swing by and get them prior to the appt. So I have to call DC and ask if we can quickly do the car switcheroo.

The way our arrangement works is that DS spends a week with one parent and then a week with the other, with the switch occurring Fridays after school. There is also a complicated holiday schedule that carves up each parent's time with him, I'm not even going to go into that.

If you are thinking about a 50-50 custody arrangement for your child/children, PLEASE RE-THINK IT!! Even my cousin, who is a divorce lawyer, says he would never, ever do this to his kids if he had the chance to do it over again. Are you doing it for the kids, or for you? Because, ultimately, they are the ones who will suffer by always visiting and never living anywhere: 2 rooms, 2 sets of clothes, 2 different households with different rules and ways of doing things ALL THE TIME. How would you feel if you lived in a different place every week?

This arrangement was NOT my idea and from my point of view it totally sucks. A child should have ONE home and VISIT the other parent. This is back-and-forthing is just stupid and only the Good Lord knows what lasting psychological damage DS will suffer in years to come. The worst part is that as much as we try to stay on top of things, NO ONE had the complete handle on what's going on with DS. I have a feeling he gets away with a lot.

As an example, yesterday being Friday and the day for DS to go to his dad's for the week, I was counting on having a stretch of uninterrupted time Friday afternoon to do some important writing I've been wanting to finish for work. I sat down after lunch at about 2 to write as planned. The next thing I know, my door blows open around 3:00 and there is DS, with his friend, Noah, cheerfully announcing they have showed up for band practice, specfically to work on the drum parts. Further, DS's dad is tutoring and will not be back to pick up the boys until 7:30 or so.

All of this is fine, except that, 1) I can't write during drum practice and 2)this is the first I've heard about it. And it is date night, and DC and I had made plans for dinner and a movie-- not to say we couldn't ALL go, but, this wasn't what I had planned, and certainly not what DC had in mind. I called DS's dad to find out for sure when/if he is picking up the boys and if I'm supposed to feed them dinner. DS's dad says he'll be tutoring UNTIL 7:30, so that means he won't be by to pick up the boys until at least 8. No, I should not feed them dinner, he's taking them out after he picks them up. Then he says, "DS told me he asked you about this yesterday, and you said it was fine if he and Noah had band practice at your house today." No, not true. DS said he might "drop by to pick up some stuff," but he did NOT ask if they could have band practice at my house.

The first his dad heard about the plan is when DS showed up after school in his classroom (with Noah in tow) saying he was supposed to go to my house for band practice. So, BOTH his dad and I were completely clueless about this apparently spur of the moment plan. Obviously, DS, as a conniving teenager is playing both ends against the middle. Which makes me wonder, even though he is a good and sweet boy, what ELSE is falling throught the cracks. Of course we'll talk to him about this, but..... And of course, I didn't get the writing done yesterday, so guess what I'll be doing this weekend? Resting and relaxing with DC? No, of course not, I have to get this writing done so my boss won't be furious with me.

I admit that after 4 years the custody issue is pretty much the one thing I remain angry about, because I just don't feel it is in DS's best interest. I don't care WHO he lives with most of the time, whether me or his dad, but this passing him back and forth like a ping pong ball is the worst idea ever. (The person I am really still furious at is the "was-band's" lawyer. I know this is awful but I feel the world would be SUCH a better place if she was somewhere she could do no further harm to families and children in Wake County, like say, under the wheels of a city bus. Awful, but true.)

DS doesn't seem to mind it, or at least, out of loyalty to both parents refuses to express a preference for living in one place or the other. It's my job as his mother to try to make this work, but let me tell you, it is NOT easy. And poor DC has to live with my "was-band" as a permanent fixture in HIS life, and he's just an innocent bystander. I'm lucky he is so supportive.

It is certainly true that the "was-band" as DS's dad is a member of the family, plain and simple, and always will be. I'm glad he's so involved in our son's life, as my son adores and needs his dad. I just don't think "involved" can only mean "lives with me 50% of the time."

Let's be realistic here: DS attends the high school where his dad teaches. They ride to and from school together every single day. When school lets out at 2:15 p.m., DS hangs with his dad after school every day. If it's his week to be at my house, I drop him off at his dad's house around 6 a.m. for the drive to school and his dad drops him off at my house around dinner time, or earlier if he's got a commitment.

They naturally see each other EVERY DAY. I've always said it makes sense for DS to spend the afterschool hours with his dad since I'm working (until last year, outside of my home, now at home). His dad is a school teacher and on the same schedule as DS, so why not?? Ditto the summer. Why should DS sit bored at my house when his dad is not working and they could be out having fun together every day? He can still come home to my house at the end of my work day.

I've also said it makes no sense at all for DS to sit by himself at his dad's house for hours if his dad is busy (as he frequently is) tutoring or at meetings until 9/10 at night, and he should drop DS off at my house, even if it's not "my week." I'll be glad to feed him dinner and hang out with him. I hate for DS to have to eat dinner by himself and be by himself all evening just because it's his week to be at his dad's.

OTOH, when it's my week to have DS, he and his dad still spend a significant amount of time together every weekday. When it's his dad's week, I don't see him at all, except for the court-mandated Wednesday evening dinner. I just really don't feel that the current arrangement gives his dad all that much extra time besides what he would naturally have with DS anyway.

In the meantime, DS's antinflammatory doesn't get picked up at the pharmacy because each parent thinks the other has done it. DS does not want to take the medicine so he doesn't bother to clue us in, just saying he "forgot" the medicine at the other parent's house. We're both so busy we forget to ask the other one about it for several days.... You can only imagine how embarrassing it is trying to explain this to Dr. Lin. Also, DS does his PT exercises at one house but not the other....

I know we as his parents should have better communication, but seriously, is this not a prime example of "set up to fail" syndrome, given the fact that I have 2 jobs, DS's dad has 3 jobs, and DC has 3 jobs as well, not to mention all the stuff DS has going on? 50-50 custody is the WORST IDEA EVER.

But again, I am thankful DS's back injury is not worse, and finally seems to be improving.

I am just broken!!!

Well, I've had a long, forced break from my phitness routine. First I injured my left calf in some weird way a few weeks ago and was taking it easy. THEN I hurt my back while I was moving. It's the oddest thing, but it almost seems like my son and I are passing the same back injury around! He did something to his back last month in gym class that has caused back pain that radiates down into his left leg. The dr. thought it was a pinched nerve, but despite 4 weeks of PT it hasn't improved, so this past weekend we took him for an MRI. Haven't heard from the dr. yet; I'm on pins and needles waiting for the results.

I have 2 herniated disks in my back (at L3 and L5) which gave me an excruciating case of sciatica. I didnt realize it was my back that was hurt and the pain in my leg was so bad I finally told my dr. if we couldn't find a way to make it better I'd rather she remove the leg than for me to have to live with the pain. Eventually an MRI revealed the problem and I had lumbar surgery 3 years ago. I'm now a huge fan of the surgery because my pain relief was instant! It totally cured my sciatica.

Until the move. First, something strange has happened to my left knee... it was getting better, but it felt odd, like it had a too-tight rubber band around it, mostly in the back. My work travel schedule the past couple of weeks has prevented me from getting to the dr. and it didn't seem like an emergency.

Then, Friday night while giving the apt. its final scrubby-scrub, something terrible happened. I was sore, but didn't notice anything out of the ordinary until about 1 a.m., when the excruciating pain started in my left leg--- exactly like my sciatica. I had a pretty much sleepless night, and finally took a Skelaxin in the wee sma's, which made the cramping stop. I pretty much spent all day Sat. sleeping. With visions of more surgery dancing in my head. I've been limping, but the pain is better.

It is now Tuesday. It feels much better, there is no leg pain except some hamstring stiffness, which is to be expected after spending hrs. on hands and knees scrubbing floors. Plus the knee weirdness. I'm guessing my knee is just a bad case of housemaid's knee, as it seems to be improving on its onw.

Hooray, finally, today, my gait is no longer affected by my ailments. Do you all know the rule about that? If you have pain that is affecting your gait, you must not exercise the affected limb. Usually this affects runners, but apparently it also affects the overweight, inactive, hardly moving set like me as well!

Tomorrow I am going to start back with just WALKING daily. Good Lord, I feel like I will be 105 before I get back to where I was, at this rate. But let's be realistic--- this is the heaviest I have been in 5 years, so this is not going to be instantaneous. Frustrating!!!!!

I just bought a new blender, so I'll be able to get back to protein shakes and my 6 meals per day routine, which I hope helps-- and in addition to the walking, I plan to start upper body strength training and core work in the next few days also.

I will post a review of my new blender soon, probably on DomesticMuse!

Thanks all for your good thoughts and support. We hope to get some definitive news on DS's back soon.

Light-Speed Update

I have been resting my leg since Sat., and I think it's completely healed. No pain at all upon walking or climbing stairs. Oh well, I just got a nice long break! I'm HOPING to get in a w/o this afternoon, but I have a client call and then today is the day we get the key to our new house and can start moving things over!!

Thanks for all the good thoughts y'all have been sending my way!